- paradoxy - its the silence dat always kills -

2007-08-06T06:58:00.000-07:00

I seriously dread school now.. Super tiring lahs=( Work Work Work and MORE Work..
Going bonkers really soon.. Can't wait for everything to be over.. Hmmms..
-
School actually have been not bad.. Just having little problems here and there hindering my own studies.. Although many of them have been settled and left behind.. Certain problems just can't be forgotten and left behind.. Been brooding about many things the past few weeks. I know brooding doesn't help.. But certain problems just can't be helped.. Friends, relationship.. All came at the wrong time.. Been struggling.. Been emo-ing and i know i have been an burden in my friends eye.. I'm sorry if i've affected you.. Been trying to stop all these crap and be happier in school.. Like before.. Disturb people, play around and joke around.. Other than all these i don't know what more i can do.. Just faking a smile all day long is better than making others worry.. I just can't please everyone like i wished i have. But.. certain things are better left unspoken...
-
[to him]
You know who you are and hopefully you'll be reading.. Well, this is all I've got to say..
All along I'm not angry with you.. Just kinda upset about what have happened.. Not gonna explain anymore as it's pointless already.. Been going through plenty of thoughts and realized how simple things could have been.. Life could have been much easier.. That conversation that day.. Didn't meant to just walk away like that.. Just pretend i didn't asked you anything bahs.. Just wanted to know what was going on.. But guessed everything is being settled already and certain things are meant to be left unspoken.. I also understand why you didn't come to clarify things and so on.. Didn't blame you for anything.. Well, things just came too fast and I'm unable to accept them yet.. Give me more time bahs.. Glad that you have been very happy the past weeks.. Happy for you.. Cherish her well and good luck for your exams.. Study hard alright.. Anything can still come to look for me and you'll still be my fav daddiiex=)
ps: You still owe me something..
-
[Qb]

Hey.. Thanks for tagging ahs=) Thought through what you told me that day.. And i guessed you're right.. If there was really something between the both of us.. Then things would have been different.. Well at least now i know he is happier with another girl.. What more could i still ask for? Know that brooding over is not gonna make him like me or something.. Just need a little more time to think through again and slowly let go.. I still love him alot i guessed? Slowly bahs. Also happy to know that things between you and her have been great.. hahas.. take care ya? thanks for your advice=) its helped.. really.

- Gonna end this post here. Update soon or something.
*ximin
`hope to disappear for awhile.. i understand everything.. just can't bear to..

2007-07-31T06:09:00.000-07:00

What should i say. I expected this reaction from you all along?
Knew you wouldn't remember..so didn't really put it in mind..
Promise are meant to be emptied anyway..
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Wonder how long do i have to fake this smile and happiness in school.. I'm sorry but I'm really not fine at all..i tried my best to give you my blessing and forgive you for whatever you said and done. But its really too hard a work to do. To stay happy and cheerful like before is impossible. What to say? Really feel like scolding you and giving you a tight slap from that day.. To trust myself to be stupid enough to trust you so much.. Thinking all your advice was really from your heart but cant expect you to betray me like that.. Think those sweet words you have given me are just a comfort to make me feel better.. thank for playing me around like a fool..
-
I doubt you understand all those hurt that you have given? Those harsh words you have given and the attitude towards me completely changed? To say the truth really got so hard to be done? Let me tell you, i would rather have your frank-ness than your lies and ignores.. Was expected about what have happened today. But i still can't believe the attitude you have given me at the end of the day.. thanks. If thats what you want to give me, then please stop interfering into my life and acting like you really cared.. Till now i still treat you like how i treat you last time. But i guess i really couldn't let go of those memories.. But since you don't want it. Then forget it.. It doesn't matter anymore.
-
School these few days kinda sucks. Maybe it's me bahs.. I'm sorry if i had vented my anger on you and I know I'm wrong.. really sorry alright? I've tried my best to hold a smile on my face. Give me time to sort everything out..
-
I cannot cry
Because I know that's weakness in your eyes
I'm forced to fake, a smile, a laugh
Every day of my life
My heart can't possibly break
When it wasn't even whole to start with..
-
*ximin
`I don't wanna fake a smile on my face. But i ain't given a choice at all.

2007-07-29T08:14:00.000-07:00

放开手

把回忆封锁在遥远的地带
提起勇气去面对新的未来
已不能做什么
只能交给命运去安排
可能有些事我们都看不开

为什么要失去才懂得珍惜
后悔却压抑不了倔强的心
心灵那么接近却又不近
被误解隔离
能否找一个方式说对不起

放开手要迎接新的未来
可怜的我却还是依赖
你的爱我永远不忘怀
共度的日子锁在脑海
最后演变成相互伤害
相信我们彼此都感慨
感情变质了默契却还在

说不出口的悲哀不愿离开
一个人独自承受快乐悲哀
已不能做什么
只能交给命运去安排
可能最终注定我们要分开
- *ximin

2007-07-28T08:30:00.000-07:00

Plenty of things happened lately and i really really feeling sick and tired of it..
How to say.. Hais.. Don't feel like blogging about it because i don't wanna be reminded about it again when i read my blog next time..
-
What does best friend really means sometimes.. Being frank to each other or just keep keeping things from one another and slowly drifting apart although the friendship has been there for years? Ever wonder how much you can hurt the other party although its only a small thing? Felt kinda lost when my friend ask me this question.. Haven't replied to her question yet. also dunno how to. What are you gonna do if your best friend and you fell in love with the same person? Typical answer will be both parties giving the person up or let the other have it. But when this really happens, will you still hold to the promise you have made?
How to maintain a good friendship then? It's seems so hard to develop mutual trust between both parties.. So what you share your problem with that person.. He/She might never have shared a single thing with you.. There is somehow a barrier built in them stopping them from sharing.. Likewise, the person might not to share because they feel that they don't wanna add on to the burden you already have.. But they don't understand how much they make the friend worry for them as they hide everything to themselves.
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Don't feel like talking about it anymore.. Lots of thoughts running through my mind now and i am lazy to write out everything=X Kinda lost about what i wanted to blog.. My points are very messy as i just typed as i think.. Maybe i'll blog more about it again. i missed my old self completely. The self whereby i don't really brood over things, taking each days as it comes and live a life of happy go lucky. Somehow after since sec 2.. life sucks completely.. Problem arise one after another.. Quarrels with friends, betrayal among friends and those kinda hypocritical masks that people started to wear.. Only then i realised how happy my primary school life is.. No worries and problems and each day just seems to be so fun.. There's no such problems at those kinda age. and everything seems to be so pure and innocent. As people grow and become more sensible, the way they do things also changes.. No longer doing things for others but for themselves. To achieve something they could do anything even betraying their best friends.. i wonder how they do so..
-
Doubt you have realize how much pain you have afflicted in me..
I know you maybe thinking that keeping me in the dark may be a better way out. But i can tell you it's not and it really hurts to see you react in such a way..
I would rather have your frankness than playing me like a fool. i really feel like an idiot.
So much so that i really hate those memories you have add in my life.
Talked to you lesser day by day, hoping that the feelings would decay
But somehow memories of you still lingers around..
-
*ximin
`i really hate your presence..teach me how to forget you..

2007-07-13T07:42:00.000-07:00

轨迹

怎么隐藏我的悲伤失去你的地方
你的发香散的匆忙我已经跟不上

闭上眼睛还能看见你离去的痕迹
在月光下一直找寻那想念的身影

如果说分手是苦痛的起点
那在终点之前我愿意再爱一遍
想要对你说的不敢说的爱
会不会有人可以明白

我会发着呆然后忘记你接着紧紧闭上眼
想着那一天会有人代替让我不再想念你
我会发着呆然后微微笑接着紧紧闭上眼
又想了一遍你温柔的脸在我忘记之前

心里的眼泪模糊了视线你已快看不见

-
Back to update after awhile. Hmmm.. Fell in love with this song since that day? Sound kinda true about how i'm feeling now. Hmm.. Anyway.. Plenty happened since June holiday started and I've never get the chance to sort my thinkings out.. Sometimes its really better not to know the truth i guess.. Since the other party don't seems to care? Shall pretend that I do not know anything. Ignorance is bliss=)
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Does people change without knowing it them self? Does it really matter to you that the ones around are changing and because of that you leave them completely and make a big din out of it? Not only so.. Do you have to go to the extend to push every little blame to the other party and not even bother to try to solve things peacefully and salvage the friendship you have had for years? Ever encounter a case whereby both parties feel that each other have changed and no longer who they used to be.. And because of the unwillingness to accept the fact and actually quarrel with with each other about it ? And it was somehow because of you the problem arise and they insist that it wasn't your fault when it obviously is. This have happen to me and i feel really really guilty about it. Not knowing what i can do now also.. Really hope they can become good friends again? For the fact that they have been good friends for 4 years.
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I don't know.. To me maintaining a friendship with another party needs plenty of time.. Theres a need to develop a mutual understanding between both parties and giving in no matter what happens.. Making them not to worry about your problems doesn't make things any better. It will only make the other party worry more for you .. Its okay if you feel you don't want to add to the burden your friend is already having and making yourself like a burden to them.. But again.. Shared happiness is double and shared sorrow is halved. It's not wrong to share your sorrows with another person. It helps alot better than you brood over the problem over and over again making yourself mentally and spiritually tired out..
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Enough of my craps.. I'll continue another day.. Anyway.. Went to the movies to watch [[ Harry Potter The Order Of The Phoenix ]] with Dabbie, Roy and Sarah today. Its so nice can.. but can't understand why there's a scene of kissing? It doesn't blend into the story lahs.. But overall it's not bad. Its a must watch movie=) Went to Mac to have dinner after the movie. Dab and Roy so gay can.. LOL. But overall had plenty of fun lahs=) Mommy don't allow me to go out that often anymore.. SIIANS! But she never ever meant what she say lahs.. So.. hahas! =X Okay lahs.. Very cranky today. Quite upset with certain things lately.. Hope can settle them as soon as possible..
-
Lazy to blog lerhx.. Write more soon.
*ximin
`Words are better left unspoken.

2007-07-10T07:12:00.000-07:00

Had a terrible headache today.. Injured my back and i can't walk properly..
Felt like a paralyzed person lahs.. Zzz.. Hope i recover tmr..

Tomorrow gonna have investiture. So sians. Still hoping i could skipped school tomorrow. Anyway it's gonna be the last day i be going for cca already.. So just go bahs even if i really don't feel like it.. There's first aid course for the kids tomorrow.. Just need to be there to look around. Maybe i be going for Jump Start bahs. Practice maths or something.. It better than wasting my time sitting there looking around wasting my time and spoiling my mood. Jump Start today still kinda fun bahs.. Source base was so easy.. Kinda weird to be there because i don't have to be there.. Just there to have some kinda fun or something.. Kill time in another words. But i think it really works bahs.. Because i get to do work=) And I'm gonna skip PE tomorrow if not i really going to be paralyzed lerhx. Back really hurts.

Everyone around seems to have problems between them and their friends. Especially those who have been friends for years and can come telling me they quarrel because of a stupid stuff. I don't know whether i should help them solve their problems or just look whats gonna happen and try to help as much as possible? Trying to help sometimes might either make things worse or no change. Really hate to see them ignoring each other and somehow hate each.. Here myself having my own unsolvable problems and there they are quarreling over silly stuffs.

Perhaps it's true that people do change but they them self will never know.. They will insist that the other party change or just can't be bothered about whats going on.. Sometimes people just need to be scolded at, shouted at or lose something before they realized what they have done was wrong and try to put them self in the other party's shoe to understand how much it hurts to say all those stuff or something. Been through all this stuff and understand what it means to hurt someone and get hurt at the same time. They might need a middle person to help solve the problem totally. Either one of the parties have to give in to the other and try to salvage the friendship they have had for years. It be such a waste to just give it up. Imagine you have gone through so much together and because of a change you give up the friendship. People need plenty of time to sort out their thinkings and try to get over it. It's never easy but sometimes you just don't have a choice?

Hmmm..i myself need time to forget about some unhappy things that happened time back. Understand that i shouldn't try to sort things out now as its not the time but i just forced my self to pretend its not there and just live on with life? I just can't do it.. Leaving it behind and coming back to it later will just make things worst and hurt more. Choice-less. Wonder if they give a thought about me when they say all those words? And whether they have realized what they are doing just hurts deep into the heart? Its just hard for me to face you people now. I guess you really didn't know eh?

-
Its getting hard to be around you
There's so much i can't say
Do you want me to hide the feelings
And look the other way
And I don't know how to be fine when I'm not
Cause i don't know how to make this feeling stop.
-
*ximin
`I know you don't care at all. And guess i understand what's really going on on...thanks for hiding the truth for sooo long.. Really should THANK you, shouldn't i?

2007-07-09T07:30:00.000-07:00

School today have been pretty much boring, lessons without breaks..

Totally forgot that its Sunday and I've got school today.. Was gaming till 3 plus then i realised "eh its Monday, crap.".. Was so tired in class and had a terrible headahce but i made it up by hanging around with Sarah and Belinda studying in MT room when they attended Jumpstart. Find it quite a good place to really settle down to study..Made target setting for Os today and I hope i'll really do well and reach my settings. My 14 points!

Anyway, PE today is nothing but torture.. Ms Gan made me do Standing Broad Jump like 10 times?! Hahas and i still didn't do well.=X Think i only enjoyed my day because i do not have any homework today=) But guess i never had homework any days because its always finished in class. Hahas=X Now i guess i hated recess and the period of free time i have while waiting for remedial to start?Just didn't like having free time in school bahs.. People, make me busy please. At least it'll help stop me from thinking of things i don't wish to. Trying freaking hard not to do so but i cant do it and thats the fact. Too sudden to be accepted. Aiyah, somepeople will never understand. Trying to overcome all those little silly thoughts i have. Too long to be list. Some things just don;t meant to be spoken eh?

Having plenty of thoughts running through my mind now.. But i don't wish to disclose it to anyone yet. Arggh.. Maybe i'll blog about it another day. Stupid things always happens when i don't have the time to sort out my thinkings. Maybe i am really too soft hearted.. Tried several times to try speak up my heart but i just can't do it! Just don't wish to hurt anyone else anymore. Being hurt alone is better than everyone getting hurt right? Sometimes the harder you try forgetting something the more you be thinking of it? Because you remind yourself to forget about it and so you are remind about it again. When a mistake it's being done it's being done. No matter how hard you try to forget or ignore about it, it's still there. Like a scar, it can't be removed.

*ximin
`don't try to show me ur F**king care and cancern because i know you don't mean it. And i DON'T NEED it at all. Put yourself in my shoe and you'll know what i'm thinking.

2007-07-07T06:48:00.000-07:00

Back to blogging once again..
New blog new beginning.. So yupps=)
Had two other blogs before this one but none of them survive for very long.. Hope i can maintain this blog well=)
-

Os coming in like less then 3 months.. And i've finally settle down to study. And yes, its finally.. Ximin has never been so hardworking like now. Maybe because she has been slacking too much for the past 3 and a half years and regretted. These past years, been wasting life away playing, getting into meaningless relationships and many more stuffs. And yupps, i'm going to start every thing anew and study hard for Os. It may sound a little ridiculous and what so ever, but its true. Really regretted not studying for so long and find myself having nothing but problems..

Life have been so meaningless the past few years. Not knowing what to do and stuff.. Been silly enough to try so hard to get into a relationship and find myself getting hurt instead..Quite ridiculous bahs..maybe just want someone to rely on. Guess i needed a true friend more than a boyfriend. Boyfriend leaves you but best friend don't.. Hmmm..don't sound very correct but neverming lahs..will come back to this topic again. Don't wanna talk so much about this in this post..

I also dunno what i wanna blog today..hahas.. Just typing out what i can think of while waiting for sarah to call me to discuss our plans for tomorrow. Oh ya, went running with ys today.. waited so long for her today lahs.. But had pretty much of fun hanging out with her.. Haven ran for the past 2 weeks. hahas, been getting on weight.=X my family and cousins kept complaining that i getting slimmer when i'm eating so much? Weirdos, maybe because i don't see them all the time and everytime i meet them it's just nice the time when i haven't eaten my meals. Anyway, went to the library to study after that. Didn't fulfill my task for the day because i was simply not in the mood to.. Okay lahs.. i tried really hard to stay focus and stuff.. But kept getting reminded about things thats happening around me the past weeks and really got on my nerves. Ah well, there's nothing i can do though. but guess I've had a fruitful day!=) thanks YS! muacks.=X

Hmmm.. School tomorrow. Dunno if i am ready for it or i'm still dreading school? Thoughts about whats gonna happen kinda scare me out.. Hahas.. Have got plenty of things to settle tomorrow. Homework, remedials , study plan and stuff. But guess thats the process of getting ready for Os bahs.. Not really ready to go to school tomorrow.. Hoping i can skip a day or two to sort my mind out but i guess time really don;t allow that.. Hope i won't be emo but happy in school tmr.. Trying to stay very cheerful you know=) [preventing pimples? It works.=X]

Guess brooding over things sometimes just don't help at all. But telling a friend or two will be quite encouraging but what happens if that person tells the whole world about it when it suppose to be a secret.. Hahas.. Time just don;t allow me to sort my thinkings out because Os are coming.. Guess i really got to hold on to and and leave it aside till Os it's over? Letting you go seems to be the hardest thing to do but i have got no choice. You FORCED me to. But i really got to thank you for certain things you done in my life, perhaps.

*ximin `guess some things just don't meant to be.. Its really true, when fate comes you fret, when fate goes you cry..

2007-07-07T04:42:00.000-07:00

hello..test test..=D